|
| holy cow, its been over a year since i've even logged on here, i'd forgotten i had it. but i need to get somethings out and i just can't do it on myspace bc its too public, whereas this is just public enough for me. i feel like i don't have a presence, people just see right through me, and it feels like no one really cares, well i know some people do, but i want to be able to tell someone everything about whats going on not just the cliff notes and have to edit out the stuff that no one would care about, i hate having people just walk into me like i'm not there or ignore me like i'm not there and dont have anything to say and then have them just step in front of me like once again i'm not there, i'm sick of feeling like an outsider in my group of friends. i'm sick of feeling like the 3rd wheel on every outing, i'm sick of feeling second rate and invisible, i just want to punch someone so they notice that i'm there and hello i matter, i hate walking through the main hall because its full of people that don't even realize i'm alive, i don't feel important i feel invisible some days, and all i want is someone who cares as much as i do, because really i want to hear everything about most people and dumb unimportant stories are not dumb and unimportant to me, i just want someone who cares as much as me, is that selfish and self absorbed? somedays i just want to cry because it feels like no one cares and that the people who do care are slipping away from me, and those people would be kj lex and conor, i love that i'm getting closer to emily this year but monica seems to be a distant memory and katy was just a flicker of some friendship that started to be and never happened it feels like and john, o man we were so close and then nothing happened this summer andit just sucks because, idk he seemed to care and i had a great time with him always and i told him almost everything in cad and he's the reason i satyed in that class, andi want to see him more often but i'm sick of being the one who calls, i'm sick of being the one who makes the effort, i wrote it in another blog but then deleted it because i didn't want to step on any toes, but friendship is a two way street and it feels like i'm doing all the driving. call me damnit think of me damnit, i'm worth it i'm worthy of your time i promise and i may not be the funniest or the prettiest but i'm good company and i always care, and will always give you the time of day, i promise, because that's what i want, the time of day and to be thought of, because honestly it feels like my own parents don't even really think of me that much. i know they do, but with them i still have to call them first, and they don't worry about me anymore, they just idk, let me go and i want them to worry because if they don't anymore then i'm not even a part of their thoughts and i see them everyfreaking day. i'm not invisible i'm right here and ripe for the talking, so call me, i'll great you with an exuberant hello or hey or hi, i'm not fake, i really mean all of the nice things i say and sometimes i may give you a hard time but i'm just kidding, i'm a good person and i really do care, so please care about me, be nice to me | | |
| So lets see....i'll guess i'll just go day by day, as well as i can (u guys know my memory)
Monday: at practice today julie and i played against 3 dubs and beat them 6-2, but they were just really mad about rusty forgetting to include us in the drill. so idk what would happen if we were to play them seriously, but it's not like it would matter bc we have to be locked into our positions. i called brenden for the vocab words, that was fun bc he is hilarious and cute, so there was a bunch of flirting (or at least i thought it was flirting) and good conversation, like really good conversation, i wasn't nervous or anything (ok i was pacing a little faster than usual). argh, y do boys have to be so dumb! well not ry, but u know what i mean
Tuesday: we played against chatfield and did horribly, but they're amazing and will definitely be in the top three in state, so i don't feel too bad about it, except for the massive bruise i'm getting and slight swelling on my arm. i can't really remember anything else that happened
Wednesday: the worlds most frustrating day ever. Spanish was ok, psych sucked because he was like making fun of me bc i had a 4.0 and couldn't get this puzzle thing. then in history i got a 21 out of 25 on a quiz bc i didn't really study and i had no idea, it was just really bad. then in our match, we should've killed these girls, but it was raining and the courts were slick so we didn't move very well and we just couldn't do it, and i just got so frustrated and i just couldn't shut my head off, so we lost pitfully and i was really upset about it, then i went to the chiro's and then went home did hw, dishes, etc. i talked to ry for like 2 hrs, it was good, i like long phone conversations. i really hope that he/you don't feel so lonely. i hope i can help somehow, bc i hate seeing someone (esp someone close that i care about) hurt and not being able to help and seeing someone hurt
Today (Thursday): english was ok, i have hw to climb a tree, and i have to get the book, the vocab test was fast and easy. bio was better than the last time, we did more with the cat, but i'm getting desensitized i think. lunch was ok, math was fun. ms. hoganson told us some funny stories and loves our class a ton, which is always nice to hear. holly brought jelly beans and ms. hoganson shared her cinnamon rolls with us (adam d. brought them in for extra credit) plus conversation was great. sometimes i think i might kinda like mason, but other times he says things that are just so.....frustrating (like wanting to hang out with someone hot and easy) that just make me go, ur a loser and i deserve better, but other days....idk
i think that's it for right now. i'll ttyl, love ya lots, Emily | | |
| wow a lot's happened since my last entry. well the only people that read this already know what's happened since then, what they don't know is what happened today. so after lex left my house, i was backing out of my driveway and hit a parked car, funny yea i know-i'm not laughing right now, but someday, well i was late for the match, so i wrote them a note, and took pics after some profanity (k well a lot) it really shook me up though and i cried about it on the way to the school and again on the way to the match and again when i called my mom. it's not bad at all just some chipped paint. so i lost the match, i couldn't focus and didn't have my fire in me and couldn't focus, plus they were good and i would've had to have been at the top of my game to beat them. so afterwards i went straight to the chiropracters i went yesterday and he just checked some stuff out and took x-rays yesterday. today we looked at them and it was pretty scary, actually it was almost horrifying. in my torso my spine shifts from right to left, like it doesn't line up so that's not bad they can change that, it'll just take a little while. my neck is what's really bad.it's like as straight as a ruler, but it's supposed to be curved, like really curved so my nerves and tendons are like really stretched out and my neck muscles are like constantly in use. after that and a long talk, he did some stuff and i was really scared but it was ok. right now i just really don't feel good, what started out as a good day just went all wrong, like ALL wrong. so i'm gonna go
here are the names of those cd's i want:
Jimmy Eat World-"Futures"
Breaking Benjamin-"we are not alone"
Jack Johnson-"in between dreams" i somehow got that confused with beck | | |
| So today i stayed home, i was having a "flare-up" with my fibro. It wasn't too good, but i'll be back tomorrow (you're having a celebration already, i can tell). The good news is that this is the first time i've had one in a really really long time. I'm kinda worried that it looks suspicious to my cardinal day teachers (esp. rothenburger) but o well. I learned from monica that all we did at practice was work on serves, which is something i could've really used the practice and instruction in, so that really stinks and plus i hate not going because it's so much fun u know? tomorrow we're gonna have a short practice, go to qdoba (chipotle would've been better....) and then go bowling with the team so that'll be lots of fun! | | |
| What happened? no one has updated since Monday, which is also the fatal day that i got grounded for dumb reasons, but i'm moving on because my sentence is over...WAHOO....dumb lex and ryan-ruining my BRAND NEW hat...just because i looked so hot in it is no reason to ruin it....argh i'm so not happy about that....i think eternal sunshine is my new favorite movie, i love it even more now, i know it's weird-i told u all that, but i still love it (ahaha just like me....) yea so i'm using the stream of consciousness approach for this entry, what r u going to do it's midnight which reminds me i should go, o lex i have to tell you the funniest thing i did!!!! ahhh you'll find it hilarious...you know what pisses me off? is when people laugh at the most inappropiate times, it's like grow up and control yourself! you got a hang of the whole bladder thing, work on your sense of humor already....i'm so glad those scary people didn't talk to us at IHOP i don't know what i would've done if they had did, that was so weird, tonight/afternoon was like a check-out day, because so many people were checkin us out, i should look like a conservative, cowgirl crack whore more often, lol come on u know that's funny, but not quite as funny as ryan's hair tonight and all of the whining, o my goodness he would never survive as a girl i can't believe monica wanted to put make up on u, ahahaha....so i'm thinking about getting the new jack johnson cd, bc i really like that new single of his "sitting waiting wishing" it's 8.50 at one place but idk if it would be able to go on my iPod so idk if i want to take that chance just to save 1.50 u know?.....argh there must be something about spring that just makes the whole hormone thing worse, because seriously i've had more ups and downs this week than idk when it's crazy and i hate it and no i'm not PMSing and o my goodness i don't want to be 16 and never been kissed, that would be so loserish, and pathetic, o man but i don't just want to kiss anyone argh! o maybe i could wrangle brenden in...lol just kidding well not really, but u know what i mean or u should....he's getting cuter again lol isn't that weird that when you like someone they seem to get just better? o man i just want to be loved and held, i want someone to care for me and just like me for all of who i am including all of the quirks, craziness, bipolarness and insecurities and someone who's not afraid of me because i'm smart or whatever, i want someone who's not afraid to go all out, but has maturity. i want someone who will laugh if they think it's funny and not get annoyed at all of my corny attempts to be funny....i just want someone to love me
~Em | | |
|
